The Wide World of Chad McCann
by Flagg1991
Summary: Oneshot collection centered around Chad McCann, son of Chandler and Cookie QT and his misadventures with sin kids, not-sin kids, and other crap. Humor/parody.
1. Seek and Destroy

**Chad is the son of Chandler and Cookie QT and is obviously my creation. Long story short, I feel like all of the male sin kids (and Loud House OCs in general) tend to be huge pushovers. The females are all aggressive and assertive but the boys are meek little limp-wrists who couldn't bust a grape in a fruit fight. That inspired me to make a character who is the complete opposite. Chad's an asshole but fun to write and hopefully fun to read. This one-shot collection is a humor based parody and not meant to be taken too seriously. Sometimes it might have sin kids, sometimes it might have Salvo's OC kids, sometimes it might just be Chad in his own little universe. There will be little to no continuity between the stories.**

* * *

**Lyrics to **_**Seek and Destroy **_**by Metallica (1983)**

Lemy Loud pulled aside the frilly lace curtain and peered out the sun sheened window. Down the street, a tall, muscular man in a black tank top and jeans bent over the exposed engine block of a 76 Thunderbird. A radio sat on a nearby kitchen chair, and if Lemy listened closely, he could just make out the faint strains of The Game by Motorhead. The man stood up straight, swiped the back of his hand across his sweaty forehead, and plucked a cigarette from between his thin lips. A dingy white bandage covered the stump of his right hand and an olive green cap shielded his eyes from the harsh glare of the August sun; the wind rustled his scraggly, shoulder-length brown hair and prickly stubble covered his angular chin. His name was Chad McCann and he lost his right hand in the guts of a '78 Monte Carlo, or so Lemy heard. When it happened, he wiped the spurting stump with a greasy rag, went inside, stapled the flesh closed, then got trashed on Captain and passed out.

Chad reached for a can of Natty Ice, tossed it back, then crumpled it and flung it into the overgrown lawn flanking the driveway.

Whoa.

Cool.

Chad moved into the neighborhood last month after the last family to live in his house got evicted. He always had friends over (including strange women that only stayed for a few hours at a time) and he drank cheap beer while working on his car and blasting old school metal. To Lemy, he was God.

Dad didn't like him - apparently, Dad went to school with Chad's father Chandler and said he was a dick - but that made him all the cooler to Lemy. For two weeks now, Lemy had been trying to summon up the courage to go talk to him but every time he got too close, Chad stared him down with those squinty eyes of his. _The fuck you lookin' at?_ Chad asked him the other day, and Lemy stammered out, Nothing, sir.

What a loser.

Today, though, he was gonna go hang with his idol and nothing was going to stop him.

Letting the curtain fall back into place, he turned away from the window. The living room before him was packed with siblings like the den of particularly "busy" rabbits. Loopoo, the futa, sat on the couch and scratched her nuts; Lani the demon baby roosed upside in a corner, Lulu the mutant baby hanging from the one opposite; Lois the futa tried to cover her raging hard-on with her skirt; Naomi swashbuckled around on one peg leg; Little Oprhan Allie sat on the floor and rolled a ball back and forth with Little Orphan Bed; Lacy, Lynn III, Linette, Lynn 5, Lynn 6, and Lynn 6: Part 2 kicked a hackey sack among themselves; Lyle batted his luscious eyelashes at Gloom as he fastened a chastity belt around her girl parts (he could fuck anything that moved, she could not); Lakia slammed vodka and flexed her big, Russian muscles; Darna tripped over her own feet and hit the floor with a thud; Loli crept around with a listening device marked FBI (whatever that meant); Lari, Lara, Terry, Edie, Toby, Panther, Rinn, Rachel, Sonette, Lila, Titter, Luli, Lauo, Lyza, Lrus, Lvas, Lvcb, Lyus, Lopo, Lkui, Lgzy, Lqud, Jordancoln Love Child #1, that Agnescoln kid, Ladd, LeBron, Logan, Goths 2-6, and all the others did nothing much at all, as per usual.

Lemy stopped at the mirror by the door to check that his headband was crooked and grungy (he didn't want to look like a dork) and made sure that his tats were showing for maximum coolness.

Yeah, boy, I'm ready.

He stepped over a kid whose name he didn't know but he was probably related to and went outside, the heat wrapping around him. He took a deep breath, went down the walk, and crossed the street. The closer he got, the more he could hear the music.

He paused at the bottom of Chad's driveway and swallowed nervously. Chad opened another can of beer and drained it, then threw the empty down and shook his head as if to evenly distribute the feel-good. Lemy coughed and Chad spun around, his face hard and mean. "Hey...uh...you need any help?" Lemy squeaked. He felt like his sister Lyra would feel if she were to actually meet Jesus. Actualy, no, Lyra would feel guilty, because she's a fucking hypocrite who holy rolls around the house then rides Dad's dick along with Lupa, Leia, and literally everyone else.

Chad narrowed his dark eyes to predatory slits and Lemy licked his lips. Lemy couldn't show fear or weakness or Chad might think he was a bitch. "The fuck you know about cars?" Chad asked.

"Oh, I know lots about cars," Lemy started to gush, then coughed. "I mean, I work on stuff like that all the time."

He hesitated, then walked up to the front end and peered inside. Chad watched his suspiciously, then took a hit of his cigarette. "Replacing the alternator, huh?" Lemy asked after a minute.

"Yeah."

"That's easy, I can do that in a jiff."

Chad's face darkened.

"I mean...I can do that no problem."

As he worked, Chad chugged beer after beer, belched, and scratched his ass. "So," Lemy said when the silence became unbearable, "what happened to your hand?"

"I lost it in your mom's pussy," Chad said, "that's what happened." He plucked the cigarette from his mouth. "Thing has teeth."

Lemy chuckled nervously.

"Is it true what they say about you people?" Chad asked.

"What?"

"That you're a bunch of fucking inbreds?"

Lemy chafed. "Well…"

"My old man went to school with your old man. Says he's been fucking his own sisters snce he was a kid."

Lemy hated this topic. "Well...that's kind of true."

Chad's nose crinkled. "That's really fucking sick."

Lemy's hands fumbled.

"Don't you know what you're doing?" Chad demanded. He shoved Lemy roughly out of the way. "Grab me that wrench, will you?"

Sniffing at the pain in his arm, Lemy did as he was told.

Chad didn't even say thank you.

"Get me a beer."

Lemy went to a cooler on the ground, opened it, and fished a beer from the icy water inside. He held it out to Chad. "You gonna fucking open it?" Chad asked around the filter of his cigarette.

"Sorry." Lemy cracked it open and handed it to Chad. "Can, uh...can I have one?"

"Fuck you."

Lemy hung his head. This wasn't as fun as he thought it would be. In fact...Chad was kind of a jerk. "I'm just gonna go," Lemy said and hooked his thumb over his shoulder.

He started to leave but Chad stopped him. "Get your ass back here. I'm not done with you.'

Lemy's face lit up. "Do you need something?"

"Yeah," Chad said, "go make me a sandwich."

Figures.

Hanging his head, Lemy went inside. Empty beer cans, greasy pizza boxes, and used needles littered the matted carpet. Roaches scurried across the kitchen floor and a terrible smell pinched Lemy's nose. He got lunch meat from the fridge and made Chad a sandwich, then brought it back outside. Chad snatched it from the plate, took a big, hungry bite...then promptly spat it back out. "What, am I out of mayo?"

With a sigh, Lemy took the sandwich back, returned to the kitchen, and added mayo. This time, Chad ate it.

For the rest of the day, Chad ordered Lemy around like his personal bitch, and when he wasn't working, Lemy sat on the cooler with his face in his hands and wished he never came. He was wrong about Chad being cool.

Finally, as the sun sank behind the houses on the west side of the street and long shadows crept over the land, Lyle came down the street in a pair of Daisy Dukes, a flowing purple shirt, and flip flops. His long, blonde hair swished sassily with the sway of his shapely hips and his pursed little lips glistened with gloss. He saw Lemy and his brow furrowed. "You mom says it's time to come home," he said is a high, girlish voice.

Thank God.

Lemy got up but Chad shot him a dirty look, and he instinctively sat down again. "Hey, you're not going anywhere."

Lemy looked at Lyle for help, and Lyle glared at Chad's back. "Uh...excuse me? Mr. Man? Lemy needs to come home now."

Chad glanced at Lemy. "Tell your sister to fuck off, will you?"

"That's actually my brother."

Chad's face dropped. "That's a boy?"

"I'll have you know I am all man," Lyle said and put his hands on his hips. "I have tons of manly hobbies."

"Yeah, cool story, kid, now fuck off."

Lyle's face darkened. "Not without Lemy."

Chad stood up straight and turned around.

Lemy's heart sank.

Lyle crossed his arms defiantly over his chest and cocked his hip to one side. Baring his teeth, Chad stalked over, grabbed Lyle by the front of his shirt, and yanked him right out of his flip flops. Lyle went white as snow and his big, shimmering eyes widened in terror. Chad shook him violently like a pit bull with a kitten, then threw him to the ground.

Drawing himself to a sitting position, Lyle broke into tears. "YOU'RE MEAN!" he screeched.

A look of pleasure crossed Chad's face. "Yeah," he said, "I am."

Lyle staggered to his feet. Bending forward at the waist, face red and puffy from crying, he let out a high shriek. "I'm telling my mom!"

With that, he spun around and ran home on bare feet.

Chad watched him go, then lifted his middle finger.

Lemy was too much of a punk to say anything, so he just sat there.

"You got a real fucked up family, you know that?" Chad asked as he went back to work.

Lemy sighed. He used to think so...but they were better than Chad.

Just then, a low rumble went through the earth and Lemy sat up straight. "What the fuck was that?" Chad asked.

Lemy didn't know, he -

Then he saw it.

Streams of people - mostly females - spilled from every conceivable orifice of the Loud house. The doors, the windows, the chimney, a few even came between cracks in the foundation like ants. The song currently on the radio ended and Metallica's _Seek and Destroy_ started.

The perfect score for what was going to happen.

Chad looked up from the engine block and gaped. A thousand people, maybe two, ran down the street, across front lawns, climbing over each other like battle thirsty Spartans fighting to get to the action first. The roar of a million running feet filled the air like a celestial cannonade, and Lemy jumped to his feet.

_There is no escape and that is for sure_

_This is the end we won't take any more_

_Say goodbye to the world you live in_

_You have always been taking_

_But now you're giving_

"What the fuck?" Chad asked.

Lemy grinned. "You mess with one of us," he said, "you mess with all of us."

For a moment Chad stared at the surging onslaught of Louds, then he broke and ran like a bitch.

Joining his family, Lemy gave chase.


	2. If You Want Blood (You've Got It)

**Outsider316 asked me to write Chad beating the shit out of his and OddCombo's OCs and I thought that was funny, so I did it. I'm not trying to make Chad a hero or a good guy, but I'm not trying to make him a monster, and he acts kind of like a monster here. Sorry, Chad. Nnyl belongs to Outsider and Mano to Odd. **

* * *

**Lyrics to _If You Want Blood (You've Got It) _by AC/DC (1979)**

Linette Loud walked out of the Loud house with her hands clasped behind her back and her chest puffed out like a movie villain whose evil plans were coming to fruition. Clad in a green and black superhero tier jumpsuit, her long blonde hair pulled back in a pragmatic ponytail, she resembled a capefag cosplayer strutting through a geektard convention, assured of herself because she was the only girl and all the soyboy neckbeards wold bend over backwards to do whatever she wanted.

She strolled across the lawn and started down the sidewalk. Behind her, the door exploded open and her brother Mano rushed out, his one robotic arm waving and his laser gleaming with rage. "Nnyl! Get back here!"

Nnyl. Her nickname. She also went by Lady Primer and Outsider631.

"Come back!"

Mano gave chase, his robot leg freezing and glitching as he tried to catch up. A tall boy with messy black hair and a goatee, he wore a red hoodie and a knit cap; he looked like the bastard love child of Chip Skylark and that black dude from _Teen Titans Go _but somehow more Arab even though his parents - Lisa and Lincoln - were whiter than a Jason Aldean concert.

A satisfied smile touched Nnyl's lips and she slowed her step. "I can't believe you," he panted when he finally reached her. "You had your minions Lamis, Alex, Allie, and Langston hack my Discord and delete my server! I lost six months worth of memes and shitposting because of you."

Nnyl's expression did not change. It was cold, dead. "Oh? Pity."

"Damn it, Nnyl," Mano hissed. He grabbed her by the arm and spun her around to face him. "This is serious."

"I warned you never to cross me, Mano," she said in a flat monotone. "You crossed me and you suffered a reprisal. Consider yourself lucky."

Mano's laser eye flashed. "Psycho bitch."

Without another word, he lunged at her. Anticipating this, she jumped back and threw up her fists. "If you wish to do battle," she said, "then let's do battle."

Gritting his teeth, Mano came and Nnyl lashed out with a sick punch that caught him in the chin and rocked his head to one side. He swept out his bionic arm and knocked her back, the air ripping from her lungs.

Down the street, Chad McCann sat at the patio table on his covered front porch in only his boxers, twelve beers into a pity party for one and verging on drunk. His Dolphins got their asses kicked by the Redskins and Chad was beside himself with shame. The 'Skins? Really? They were the worst fucking team in the entire NFL. Who fucking loses to _them? _A peewee football league could handle them. God, how humiliating.

He stubbed his cigarette out in an overflowing plastic ashtray and polished off his current can, then belched. Music drifted from a radio perched on the porch railing.

_It's criminal_

_There ought to be a law_

_Criminal_

_There ought to be a whole lot more_

_You get nothin' for nothin'_

_Tell me who can you trust_

Chad was supposed to be working on Trans Am, but he just wasn't feeling it today. It was currently jacked up with the hood wide open and there it would stay until after he passed out and got up again.

He was just reached for another beer when a blonde girl in green and black did a series of backflips down the street. A boy with a big metal arm charged her, and she hit him with a spinning kick; the heel of her black boot connected with the side of his face, and he dropped to the pavement in a broken heap.

Chad blinked in disbelief and shook his head. "What the fuck is _this_?"

Louds.

They had to be Louds. Anytime something stupid happened in this town, it was because of that giant fucking weirdo incest family. You know they got fuckng futas and shit over there? Chad used to check some of those girls out but uh-uh, fuck that. As far as he was concerned, every single one of them was a dude until proven otherwise.

Like Lola, Luan, Lynn, Lamis, Lyra, Lina, and...he couldn't remember. Point is: He fucked a bunch of them and knew for a fact they were chicks. Everyone else was instantly a guy.

The boy staggered to his feet, and the girl danced around with her fists up like the Green Lantern or some shit. The boy threw himself at her, and they locked up, WWE style. They stumbled into Chad's driveway and bumped into his car.

"HEY!" Chad yelled.

The boy shoved the girl back over the engine block, and suddenly, the jack gave out and the car came crashing down. It was only a couple feet, but it was enough for the rusted ass back tire to come off and roll away.

_It's animal_

_Livin' in the human zoo_

_Animal_

_The shit that they toss to you_

Chad was on his feet and leaping over the railing before he even knew he was up. "Motherfuckers," he slurred. The boy pushed the girl back and she pulled off some kind of scissor kick shit. The boy shoved her boot away and punched her in the stomach.

Like a man possessed, Chad started to run. The boy turned just as Chad smashed into him, knocking him off his feet. For a moment they were airborne then they landed on the ground, Chad on top. Terror filled the boy's eyes, but Chad was too drunk and keyed up to notice he'd already won, so he cracked the kid in the nose. It burst like an overripe tomato, and the kid let out a high pitched screech of agony. Chad brought his fist up and down, up and down, up and down, battering the kid's face, adrenaline pushing him on. "Motherfucking cocksucking assdrinking pieceofshitmotherfuckerniggerbitchwhorecarkillingbastard."

_If you want blood, you got it_

_If you want blood, you got it_

_Blood on the street_

_Blood on the rocks_

_Blood in the gutter_

_Every last drop_

_You want blood_

_You got it_

When Mano was still, bloodied and bruised, Chad stumbled drunkenly to his feet. "What kind of MAN hits a woman?" he slurred. He kicked Mano in the side then turned. "You're just a pussy like the rest of the men in your family."

Shaking his head, Chad turned. Nnyl stood there with that flat expression on her face. "I didn't need your help but -"

Chad punched her in the face. Her head whipped to the side, then back, her features darkening. "You have made a deadly mistake," she said. She assumed a fighter's stance, feet far apart, and held her fists up. "Now are you ready to -?

Her words cut off when Chad kicked her in the shin. Her hands dropped, and he headbutted her, smashing her nose and teeth. She turned in an attempt to flee, but he grabbed her by the ponytail and wrenched her back, dragging her off her feet. She thrashed and tried to escape, but Chad was far too gone in drunken fury for things like mercy.

Pulling her over to the car, he jammed her head into the engine block, then slammed the fucking hood on it as hard as he could. Nnyl's body gave a jerk then went still.

He did it again.

"Motherfucking bitch," he hissed through his teeth, spittle flying from his lips. He ripped the hood open, and Nnyl sank to her knees. Her entire face was bruised, purple, and covered in blood. He bent, grabbed her by the chin, and punched her hard across the jaw. Her eyes rolled back into her head and she toppled over.

"NO ONE TOUCHES MY CAR BUT ME!"

_If you want blood, you got it_

_If you want blood, you got it_

_If you want blood, you got it_

_If you want blood, you got it_

Chad's heart slammed and the world spun. He swayed, almost fell, then made his way unsteadily back into the house, where he passed out on the living room floor.

He was still there an hour later when the police showed up.

THE END.


	3. Incest

Chad dropped into the armchair with a weary grunt and crossed his legs. Across the coffee table, his mom and dad sat together on the sofa. Dad, a tall, severe man, wore a polo shirt tucked into tan pants, and Mom was clad in slacks and white blouse. Her long brown hair was beginning to gray, and his mustache looked impossibly thicker than it had the last time Chad saw him. Dad, thirty-seven, was a detective with the Royal Woods PD and Mom was a housewife; they were good upstanding people and Chad had let them down on many, many occasions.

"So what did you want to talk to me about?"

Earlier, Dad called him at home and asked him to come over for _a talk._

Mom and Dad exchanged a glance, then looked at him. "We ran into Lincoln and Luan Loud a few weeks back," Dad said.

Ew.

Those freaks.

Chad lived down the street from the Louds: They were a bunch of incestfags and literally the most disgusting people ever. Fuck them.

"We got to talking," Dad said, "and we've been seeing a lot of them lately. And learning about their lifestyle."

Growing up, Mom and Dad both taught Chad that the Louds were the scum of the earth, and why wouldn't they? Dude fucked his own sisters...and his daughters...and his mother. That's sick. To hear that Dad was talking to Lincoln Loud was like hearing the Jew Pope (if there is such a thing) was hanging with Hitler.

"They seem really happy," Mom said.

"And we're wondering," Dad added, "if maybe there isn't something to this incest thing."

Chad crinkled his nose.

"So…" Mom said

"We've decided to have a threesome."

Chad's face fell. "With who?"

"Why, you of course," Dad said.

He and Mom both stood up, and Chad shot to his feet like a black preacher at a revival. "Oh, fuck that."

"Don't worry, son," Mom said and began to unbutton her blouse, "I'll make it good for you."

Chad gaped. Was this really happening. "No!"

She stripped her shirt off, revealing her lacy black bra. Panic gripped Chad, and he instinctively cocked his fist. "Ma, put your shirt back on, I'm not even playing."

"It's alright, son," Dad said, "your mother really knows her way around a penis." He whipped his belt off and unzipped his pants.

"Stop or I'll knock your old ass out too!"

Chad had a choice: Beat the shit out of his own parents or leave.

He chose to leave.

At the door, he pulled it open, but Mom and Dad were impossibly there, leering. "Incest," they said in unison.

"Incest."

Chad spun around. A dozen copies of his parents surrounded him, all of them nude. Dad's dick jutted out from the tangle of his pubic hair and Mom's shaved pussy winked at him as she advanced. Chad fell back a step, heart slamming. This couldn't be happening! This couldn't be happening!

"Incest," they chanted. "Incest."

They fell on him, and Chad screamed.

* * *

Chad sat bolt upright in bed, his chest heaving and his naked torso covered in sweat. "Incest!" he cried.

The broken sound of his own voice penetrated the fog in his brain, and he shook his head. He was in his own bed, the lamp on the nightstand casting muted light over the covers. He took a deep breath and raked his fingers through his hair.

"You alright?"

Luan Loud reached out and laid a worried hand on his leg. Her rust colored hair skimmed her pink nipples and her big, brown eyes shimmered with concern. Chad nodded. "That incest talk about your brother gave me a fucking nightmare."

"I'm sorry," she said earnestly, "I shouldn't have vented like that."

She and Lincoln were arguing again, and when that happened, she came to Chad. Maybe because she liked him or maybe because she wanted to make Lincoln jealous. Chad didn't know and he didn't care. He got some pussy out of the deal and that's all that mattered.

"It's fine," he said, "I just feel dirty now."

Luan pushed herself up and the blanket slid down her sleek flank. "Can I do anything to make you feel better?" A devilish glint entered her eyes. She kissed his chest, her lips wet and sizzling, and then his stomach. When she reached his dick, she took him into her mouth, and Chad laid back. She planted her hands on either side of him and bobbed up head up and down with unbridled enthusiasm. Of all the Loud girls he'd tapped so far, she gave the best head; she genuinely loved dick and it showed.

When his end came, she swallowed every last drop, placed a kiss on his head, and crawled up next to him. "Is there anything _else _I can do?"

Chad tickled the under side of her chin, and she beamed. "Yeah," he said.

"What?"

He leaned in until their noses touched.

"Get the fuck out of my house."


	4. Dirty Love

**Lyrics to _Dirty Love _by Thunder (1989)**

Chad McCann had been living at 1205 Franklin Avenue for less than a week before he realized something: The house up the street was swimming in taint. Seriously, 1216 had more women than a fucking kitchen convention. Old ones, young ones, black ones, skinny ones. You know how Mexicans cram ten deep in the trunk of a car to come across the border? Yeah, that was the Loud house. One day, bored on his day off from the auto shop, he sat on his back porch with a case of Busch and a joint and spent the whole day counting people as they came and went. There were seventy-two of them. Seventy-fucking-two. And of that number, at least sixty-eight were girls.

And boy were they healthy. A couple of the black ones had so much junk they could barely walk. Guess his old man was right: They grow 'em big in the jungle.

Being a normal man, Chad looked, and since he was ruggedly handsome and well-built, they looked back. The one with the Bible in her hand always stole a glance at him when she came outside, and her gaze lingered just a little longer than it had to. She might have God on her lips, but she had the Devil in her eyes, and Chad knew that one day, he'd be balls inside of her. It was just a matter of time. The chubby blonde looked too but Chad ignored her. No fat bitches allowed.

The one who checked him out the most, though, was...well, he didn't know her name. He called Tits #5, or T5 for short. About twenty with this dopy ass expression permanently tattooed on her face, she wore little tiny cargo shorts and a blue tank top from which her giant tits almost spilled. He never got a close look at her, but she had a nigger ass and thunder thighs that were a real turn off; that was okay, he'd just fuck her mouth and nut on her face. That was always fun.

One day in late August, he was working on his car in the driveway when she came over. It was mid-afternoon and hot, and sweat trickled down the back of his neck in slimy rivulets. He wore a gray jumpsuit unbuttoned at the throat to reveal his toned chest, an olive green cap that shielded his eyes from the glare of the sun, and heavy work boots. He was hot as fuck and occasionally stopped to cool off with a Natty Ice. A radio sat on a kitchen chair nearby, its speakers throbbing like twin hearts in the throes of a coronary. His nana had one of those. They ain't no fucking joke.

He had been battling with a stuck screw for almost ten minutes, muscles straining as he bore down it with a wrench. It was corroded and wouldn't come loose no matter how hard he tried, and he was starting to get pissed. Sweat drenched his torso and dribbled down the crack of his ass, and panting, he gave up. He unzipped his jumpsuit, peeled it down to his waist, and grabbed his beer. "Alright, motherfucker," he grumbled. He took a long swing, sat the can down, and picked the wrench back up. He did all of this with one hand because he lost his right to the fan belt of a '78 Monte Carlo two years ago. He wore a bandage around the stump. He could do anything one-handed that another man could do with two.

Including fighting and pleasing women.

Finishing off his beer, he crushed the empty can and tossed it aside. He nodded to the music and tapped the wrench on the engine block. Okay, you piece of shit, come to daddy.

_I don't need your dirty love, I don't want you touching me_

_I don't want your dirty love, it's enough, trying to live with the memory_

A shadow blotted out the side and he jerked to his right, his arm coming defensively up. T5 stood next to him with her hands clasped behind her back and a goofy smile on her lips. Chad relaxed. He mistook her for a threat. "Hi," she chirped.

"Hi," he replied guardedly.

"Working on your car?"

"No, I'm cooking. What does it look like?"

"Looks like you're working on your car."

Ah, great, another genius. Old Man Loud and his fucked up little incest harem were well-known in Royal Woods. People said they had kids in that house with two heads and tentacles for arms. Chad hadn't seen anything like that but he'd believe it: Half the goddamn kids were retarded and the other half looked miserable as fuck. "Yeah, I'm working on my car," he said.

T5 hummed then glanced at him. "I like your tattoos," she said and batted her eyelashes.

Now we're getting somewhere.

Time to turn on the charm.

"Yeah?" he asked. He turned, leaned against the front end, and tilted his head to expose the side of his neck. "I got this in the army," he said and tapped an Ace of Spades with his finger.

The blonde's eye half-lidded. "You were in the army?"

"Basic," he said. "They kicked my ass out."

T5's brow furrowed. "Why?"

Chad shrugged one shoulder. "I got sick of my drill sergeant and punched him in the face."

"How did that work out for you?"

Chad grinned. "He beat the ever loving fuck out of me. Biggest mistake I ever made in my life."

She giggled melodically and Chad grinned. Give him five minutes and she'd be eating his cock.

_Chew me up, spit me out, you turned my whole world inside out_

_There's a name for girls like you_

_You belong in the gutter, I know that you do_

"My name's Loopoo," the girl said and bit her bottom lip.

Chad blinked. "The fuck kind of name is that?"

"It was a joke," she said with a nonchalant shrug.

"Hilarious," he deadpanned. He swept his eyes up and down her body…

Then stopped.

There was a very unladylike bulge in her shorts.

Okay, whatever.

But then it _twitched._

Chad's face crinkled. "What the fuck is in your pants?" he asked.

Loopoo leered at him like a pedophile. "That's just my dick. I use it to rape men." A crazed gleam crept into her eye and she grabbed his arm. "Bend over and -"

In a flash, Chad snatched her around the throat with his good hand and jammed his stump hard against her face. "Get the fuck offa me, bitch," he hissed. He walked her back and she gasped for breath, her face turning purple and her eyes bugging from their sockets.

"Okay! Okay!" she strangled.

Chad shoved her away and she nearly went to her knees. She doubled over and panted for air, her...thing...bouncing against the inseam of her shorts like she enjoyed it. Chad's lips twisted in disgust and he flicked his eyes from her boner to face and back again.

_So don't you cry now, sigh now_

_'Cos you've been living a lie now_

Loopoo coughed and stood up straight. "Whew, I've never had a guy fight back like that."

"Yeah? 'Cause some guys don't like being fucked in their ass."

"I know that," Loopoo said, "I usually just take it."

"Knowing your family, they probably let you have it."

A thoughtful look crossed her...his...its...face. "Come to think of it, Lemy has a way of always tripping over his feet when I chase him, and he's not a clumsy kid. Lyle carries a knife but he never uses it on me." It pursed its lips in thought. "Huh, I guess you're right." It looked at him. "You really don't like it?"

"No, I don't fucking like it," he spat.

"Huh. Guess not all men are into futas."

Chad's brow furrowed. "The fuck's a futa?"

"It's a girl with a dick."

Chad's confusion deepened. "You mean a tranny?"

"No," Loopoo explained, "I'm 100 percent girl, I just happened to have a dick."

For a moment, Chad literally couldn't process what he was hearing. "If you have a dick, you're a guy."

"No, I -"

Chad held up his stump. "I don't know what kind of fucking anime, public school bullshit you're on, but a dick and a nutsack literally define manhood. If you have those things, you are a man."

"But I have bre -"

"I don't give a fuck about your breasts. My grandfather has breasts. He also has a dick. Look, honey, you might be confused about gender because you were raised by a bunch of left-wing psycho SJWs, but boys have a penis, girls have a vagina. Which do you have?"

Loopoo opened her mouth.

"A penis. I don't care what you learned in that fucking nuthouse up the street, you have a dick, you're a dude, get the fuck away from me." With that, he turned around, shook his head, and went back to work.

Loopoo hung its head in defeat and took a deep breath. Its raging erection wilted like a flower in the summer sun, and it dragged itself home, not even sure who or what it was anymore.

_So get out, I've packed your bags, I left 'em at the door_

_So get 'em out, start walkin'..._

"Those assholes are even more fucked up than I thought," Chad said.

He should have fucking moved somewhere else.

When his lease was up in six months, he was sooo outta here.


	5. Hotter Than Hell

**Red Herald: I really don't want to go into the deeper workings of that issue here. It was a joke story featuring a character whose entire gimmick is being a "manly man. Yes, he was a dickhead during that encounter. As for my personal beliefs, I'll just say this: Chad's an asshole but he ultimately wasn't wrong.**

* * *

**Lyrics to _Hotter Than Hell _by Kiss (1974)**

Chad McCann leaned heavily against the gas pump and dragged the back of his hand across his slick forehead, then readjusted the olive green cap covering his shaggy head. He glanced up at the pounding summer sun, then at the highway. Dense woods pressed against the gravel shoulder and sunlight filtered through the treetops and dappled the forest floor. Behind him, a tumbledown building with a covered porch and dirty windows backed up against thick brush. On one side was an outhouse and on the other the garage, its big roll top doors standing open and the front end of a rust-spackled tow truck peeked out like a nosy dog. A tall metal sign, faded white by the years, proclaimed LAST CHANCE GAS.

A tractor trailer exploded past in a burst of desiccated air and a state trooper passed in the opposite direction on its way to downtown Royal Woods, ten miles south. Standing here in the dusty lot, you'd think you were in the middle of nowhere, but a five minute drive would bring you to a rush of gas stations, restaurants, and motels.

Chad slipped a pack of Black 'n' Mild cigars from the breast pocket of his grease stained overalls, shook one out, and bit the plastic filter between his teeth. He lit it one-handed, then took a deep, satisfying drag.

It's hotter than hell out here.

Shoving away from the pump, he started toward the garage but stopped when someone pulled in. Goddamn it. Every time he tried to sit down, somebody came in and made him work. He put on his biggest, brightest smile and turned around.

When he saw who it was, it dropped.

Old Man Loud, behind the wheel of a pedo panel van that looked like it had been dead thirty years, came to a rolling stop. The back was stacked fifteen deep with kids and one of his sisters sat in the passenger seat looking old and worn out. Ah, Jesus, not these people.

Chad lived down the street from the Louds. You ever hear of Jonestown? Big cult with hundreds of people? Yeah, that's pretty much what they were.

And they all worshipped Old Man Loud's dick.

Literally.

The Louds were infamous for their fucked up lifestyle and their many, many, many children. See, years ago, Old Man Loud started doing his sisters. Chad heard a dozen rumors about how it started: They all raped him; he raped them; they raped each other. Somehow, the madness grew and grew until it engulfed almost every woman in town. He fucked his teacher, he fucked his mom, he fucked some thicc bitch at the gas station, he fucked some girl he did a magic show for, he fucked his aunt Ruth, he fucked his substitute teacher, he fucked his daughters. Seriously, the man was out of control.

Living so close to the epicenter of sin, Chad had seen and heard shit...awful shit. Old Man Loud mowing the lawn in nothing but swim trunks while his daughter Leia pranced around him in a bathing suit and played with his crotch, futas fucking traps, girls fucking each other, black magic, super science, mutants...Jesus fuck, it was like the world's most screwed up episode of _X-Files _over there.

Sighing, Chad hung his head and went up to the driver side door. "Five unleaded," Old Man Loud said.

Chad unscrewed the gas cap, jammed the nozzle in, and depressed the trigger.

"Hey, Chad~"

Chad glanced up at the window. One of the girls, a blonde teen with short hair covering one of her eyes, grinned salaciously and nodded her head in appreciation. _I'll have some of _that.

Oh, no you won't.

LOL, who was he kidding? He banged several of the Loud girls. He could never remember their names but that didn't matter. Puss was puss and mouth was mouth. Did he do _this _girl? He couldn't recall. She looked like he did. And if he didn't, she sure wanted him to.

Smirking, Chad nodded.

"You getting off soon?" she asked.

"Eh, in a bit," he said.

"You wanna hang?"

He shrugged. "Maybe."

"We can get off together."

"Maybe," he said again, his grin widening with satisfaction.

When he was done, he replaced the nozzle. Old Man Loud held a crumpled ten through the open window and Chad took it. He leaned in and scanned the back. Old Man Loud drew back and favored him with a wary expression. "Can I ask you something?" Chad asked.

"What?" Old Man Loud asked guardedly.

"You ever have sex without getting someone pregnant?"

Old Man Loud looked taken aback. "Uh...yes, yes I have."

"You coulda fooled me."

Old Man Loud's face darkened, and Chad grinned. "Hey, I don't mean to give you a hard time, just curious."

"Well, let me give you something," Old Man Loud said and clapped real slow. "A hand."

Chad grinned and held up his bandaged stump.

"Is that a thank you?" Old Man Loud asked.

"No, it's me giving you the finger."

Old Man Loud's nostrils flared. He started the engine, and Chad stepped back, his arms crossed. The van pulled off, and the blonde blew him a kiss; he caught it and cupped his crotch. She bit her bottom lip and nodded. _Yes please. _

He laughed.

God, those girls were such sluts.

Shaking his head, Chad crossed the lot and went inside the store. Aisles crammed with bric brac crowded the hardwood floor and kitch decorations layered the walls. Langston, a tall boy with longish blonde hair, a pudgy stomach, and a sleepy expression, stood behind the register looking bored. The owner, Old Man Simon, was in the hospital and left Langston in charge. Can you believe that shit? Langston in charge of Chad? Not only was Langston a little punk, he was younger than Chad. Talk about some bullshit.

Langston drew a sigh when Chad walked up and leaned against the counter, already knowing what he was in for. Chad grabbed a magazine from the rack next to the register and opened it. "You fuck that girl of yours yet?"

"We're just friends," Langston said flatly.

Chad clamped the plastic filter between his teeth. "Yeah, sure."

Langston's best friend was Alex Loud, one of Old Man Loud's daughters (99 percent of the woman in town were). A tall and cute half-Hispanic with long black hair, Alex was what Chad would call one caliente mamasita. She was crushing hard on Langston, you could tell a mile away. If your name wasn't Langston. Like the Loud boys (all three of them), Langston was an inexperienced loser who didn't know shit about women. Alex was sending him every fucking signal in the world telling him she was interested but he couldn't pick up on a single one. It was really sad.

"I'm telling you," Chad said and glanced at the magazine, "she wants your pee pee."

"No she doesn't."

"Oh, yes she does," Chad said. He reached across the counter and thrust his stump into Langston's stomach. "She wants to have your little piglets."

Langston swatted his stump away and Chad laughed. "Besides," Langston said, "I don't know how to talk to women...like _that_."

Of course not.

Fucking soycuck.

"It's easy," Chad said.

As if on cue, the bell over the door rang. Chad turned his head…

...and his jaw dropped.

_She looked good_

_She looked hotter than hell_

_All dressed in satins and lace_

_I looked at her, and it was just too clear_

_I had to get on the case_

Have you ever seen an angel? Chad hadn't...until that very moment. A tall woman with long red hair and haughtily half-lidded eyes stood just inside the door like a queen. Her lips were crimson and full and her low cut dress dipped between her sizable breasts. A silver chain lay against her warm, sun-kissed flesh and a heart-shaped locket on the end nestled in the hollow of her throat. The hem of her dress stopped well above her knees, and as she approached, Chad's eyes were drawn to her long, silky legs.

_Hot, hot, hotter than hell_

_You know she's gonna leave you well-done_

_Hot, hot, hotter than hell_

_Burn you like the midday sun._

Chad's heart slammed and the world shrank until only she remained, a perfect picture of beauty and grace, hips swaying, heels clicking, dress pulled tight over her supple body. He shook his head, stubbed his cigar out on the counter, and swatted Langston's chest with the back of his hand. "Watch me."

The woman came up and rested her hands on the edge of the counter. "Can I get ten on pump one?" she asked.

"I got you," Chad grinned.

She glanced at him, then frowned; he was staring at her legs, his gaze slowly travelling up her body. "My eyes are right here," she said.

"I'm getting there," Chad said. When he reached them, his heart gave a strange little twang. Green like emeralds and sparkling in the sun, they were breathtaking. "And they're just as pretty as the rest of you."

A cute blush spread across her face and her lips twitched into a demure little smile that sent Chad's heart racing faster. In that moment, he decided that he had to have her. "C-Can I have some gas, please?" she stumbled.

"Your wish is my command." He looked at Langston, who rolled his eyes. "Right this way, ma'am."

Chad lead the woman outside, stopping to hold the door for her and craning over to stare at her butt as she passed. She caught him, and her eyebrows arched in a look that was probably meant to be scolding but came across as bemused instead. "There's a nailhead sticking up on the floor here," he said, "just making sure you didn't step on it."

"That's very kind of you," she said.

"I'm a tenderhearted guy, what can I say?"

Her car, a small, red thing just like her, sat at the pump, the windows down. While he pumped the gas, she walked back and forth in front of him with her arms crossed and her head down. "It feels good to stretch my legs," she said.

"You been on the road?" Chad asked.

The woman nodded. "I live in Royal Woods but I was visiting my parents in Gary."

"You live here? I've never seen you before."

"I was born here," she said, "then I moved away when I was a kid. I Moved back a few months ago,"

"What's your name?"

"Lindsey," the woman said, "Lindsey Sweetwater."

Chad grinned. "That's a pretty name."

Lindsey cocked her brow and favored him with an amused simper. "You're really trying hard, huh?"

Trying? Yes. Hard? No.

He shrugged one shoulder. "Is it working?"

Lindsey scrunched her lips to the side in thought and Chad couldn't help wondering what they tasted like. "Yeah," she said, "a little."

"There you go," he said. The nozzle clicked, and he pulled it out. "I don't make it a point to come onto women, but I'd spend the rest of my life kicking myself in the ass if I didn't try now."

Lindsey laughed. "You're funny."

"One of my many good qualities."

After running her money in to Langston, Chad came back with her change. She sat behind the wheel with the window down and the radio on, Chad leaned against the car and handed her the difference. "How'd you like to do something later?" he asked. "Go out to eat or something?"

Lindsey opened her mouth, then closed it again. A gust of inferno wind rustled her hair and she squinted her eyes cutely against the glare of the sun. Her little button nose twitched like a rabbit sniffing the air for danger, and her lips pursed ever so slightly. She hummed indecisively, and suspense gripped Chad. Normally he didn't give a shit if a woman turned him down, but not this one. He really, _really _wanted Lindsey Sweetwater. "I don't know," she finally said.

"Oh, come on," he said, "don't make me beg."

She laughed. "Beg?"

"So help me God, I'll get on my knees."

She considered. "I'd like to see that."

He sighed and hung his head, and Lindsey giggled musically. "Go on, do it."

"Fine," he said. He got down on one knee and held his hand to his chest. "Lindsey Sweetwater, will you go out with me?"

She snorted, then laughed when he frowned. "Alright, alright," she said with a wave, "I didn't think you would do it but...you've kind of earned it."

Chad grinned. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

After getting her number, Chad stepped back and watched her drive off. His stomach churned and he realized something.

He was nervous.

Fucking nervous like a little boy.

Could you blame him, though?

Lindsey Sweetwater was beautiful.

Tucking the paper with her number on it into his coveralls, Chad lit another cigar and went back to work.

He was _really _looking forward to tonight.

* * *

"This place is a fucking mess."

Chad stood in the middle of his living room with his hand and stump on his hips. Empty beer bottles, greasy-ass pizza boxes, and other assorted bullshit covered the floor, the coffee table, and even the couch. He planned to have Lindsey Sweetwater over after their date, and there was no way he could let the house look like _this_.

Sighing, he bent, grabbed a dirty plate, and carried it into the kitchen. The floor was tacky beneath his boots and roaches scurried before his tread like peasants fleeing an angry god.

He had a lot of work to do and only two hours to do it.

Knuckling down, he cleaned the house from top to bottom. He took out the overflowing trash, washed the dishes, swept and mopped the kitchen floor, vacuuming the living room, sprayed Fabreez on everything, and lit a fleet of scented candles. He showered, changed into a pair of jeans and a nice button-up, and brushed his teeth and hair. By the time he was done, the western sky was pink and orange and long shadows crept across the world like phantom fingers. Chad blew out the candles so they didn't burn his fucking house down while he was gone, then left, locking the door behind him.

Earlier, he called Lindsey, and they agreed to meet at a cafe in town. Chad had never been there but from the outside it looked like the kind of place where hipsters went. In other words: Gay. It was full night by the time he got there and parked at the curb. Inside, the lighting was low and warm and the chatter of many voices seasoned the fragrant air. Lindsey stood in the vestibule texting on her phone, and Chad came to a shuffling halt when he saw her. She wore a pale pink dress that hugged the dips and swells of her body and stiletto heels, Her toenails were polished and glossy and her make-up done; pink lips, smokey blue eyeshadow, and a touch of rouge to her cheeks.

Chad's throat closed and his lips went dry.

Damn.

Just…

Damn.

She looked up and smiled prettily, and he grinned. "I made it," he said.

"Yes you did," she said, "and you cleaned up."

He shrugged one shoulder. "It happens."

A hostess sat them at one of the booths and sat menus in front of them. After taking their drink orders, she glided off, leaving them alone. "I've never been here before," Chad said, looking around.

"I come here sometimes," Lindsey said. "They have good food. The baked chicken is my favorite."

Chad scanned his menu. Basic eats, basic price. "Chicken's okay. I'm more of a steak kind of guy."

"Steak is good," Lindsey said with a nod.

Chad got a porterhouse and Lindsey a hamburger. Chad ordered a couple glasses of red wine because bitches love wine, and if you give them enough, they'll have sex with you. Lindsey sipped hers daintily and Chad did likewise because ew, this shit is gross. "You drink wine often?" he asked.

"Sometimes," she said. "I'm not a huge drinker but I like to have it with good food and good company."

"I guess you having it now means I'm good company," Chad said.

"The food's good," she said.

Chad chuckled. "Not me?"

"I haven't decided yet."

Ah.

Okay.

While they waited, they chatted, first about the restaurant, then about their lives. Lindsey worked at a beauty salon in Elk Park. "It's not much," she hastened to say, and from the way her eyes darted down to her hands, Chad got the impression that she was ashamed of it. "I enjoy it, though."

When she was little, she was in beauty pageants and wanted to be an actress. Things didn't quite work out but, hey, sometimes they don't. "Not everyone gets to live their dream," Chad said. "I mean, look at me. I wanted to be Buzz Lightyear when I was a kid but I turned into Hank Hill instead."

The sound of Lindsey's melodic laughter stirred Chad's soul.

Ugh, was he turning gay? There's being attracted to a girl, but this...this was like some mushy shit or something.

"I just...sometimes I feel like I failed in life," she said. Her words came as a dark admission and the sad twist of her lips stuck him in the guts like a knife. He reached across the table and closed his hand over the back of hers. She looked at him, and he offered a gentle smile.

"At least you don't pump gas."

Her eyes shimmered, and when she smiled, Chad's heart squeezed. "I guess that's something," she said.

After eating, they took a stroll through town. The night was warm and breezy and stars salted the heavens like diamond flecks on black velvet. Chad put his arm around her shoulder and she melted into him. Her shape was lithe and warm and felt right.

"You wanna go for a drive?" he asked.

She was quiet for a long time. She didn't strike him as a dumb woman and she likely knew exactly what he was asking her. She turned to look up at him, and moonlight sparkled in her watery eyes. Chad's stomach clutched and he couldn't stop himself. He leaned in, the tip of his nose brushing hers, and skimmed his lips over her lips. Her sweet breath filled his mouth and her chest hitched in pleasant anticipation. He kissed her, and after a brief hesitation, she kissed him back, their tongues swirling around one another in a slow and uncertain dance. He broke from her lips, and she smiled dreamily. "Yes."

They parked at the end of a dirt road overlooking the Royal River. The only light came from the moon peeking through the trees. They moved into the backseat where there was more room; Lindsey threw her leg over his lap and Chad caressed his fingertips along its length as they kissed. She ran her fingers through his hair, nails grazing his scalp, and Chad relished her smooth, satiny skin, his brain muddled by the intoxicating taste of her lips. She pressed her body to his, their hearts pounding together, and attacked his mouth with the hungry need of a starving woman.

Chad's fingers hooked into the waistband of her lacy panties, and he slowly pulled them down her thighs like unwrapping a present just for him. She lifted her leg, and he yanked them over her ankle and tossed them away. He slipped his hand under her dress and found her fuming center, her baking heat knocking a gasp from his throat. Her lips were soft and swollen with desire and scalding fluid scorched his fingertips. Lindsey moaned and threw her head back. Chad trailed kisses down the gentle slope of her throat and tenderly stroked her middle.

Somehow, she wound up in his lap, her knees caging him and her hands cupping his face. She pressed her forehead to his and they kissed, slow and loving at first, then faster and frantic. Chad reached down between them, undid his pants, and pulled his aching dick from his underwear. The tip glanced Lindsey's lips, then slipped between them. She shifted, then sank herself onto him. Chad moaned into her mouth and clutched the back of her dress in his hands, the wet fire of her passage so incredible he could barely breathe. A gasp tore from Lindsey's mouth, and burying her face in his neck, she began to thrust.

Chad gripped her butt in his hands and lifted to meet her, each wet slap of her body against his pushing him closer to the edge. "Oh, God," she moaned, "oh, God." Chad wrapped his arms around her and held her body tight to his, her smell everywhere, her walls kneading him, her limit placing teasing kisses on his head.

In his lifetime, Chad had been with dozens of women and he had holding his nut down to a science, but he felt himself beginning to cum, and there was nothing he could do to stop himself. His heart leapt into his throat and he cried out a warning, but Lindsey either didn't hear him or didn't care. She rose, sank, rose, sank. Chad squeezed her in an attempt to make her stop, but she kept going.

Gritting his teeth, Chad gave in and let his orgasm break over him. He swelled against Lindsey's walls, then shot his load deep into her womb. She let out a strangled cry and bit down on his shoulder. A violent spasm went through her, and her muscles bore down on him so hard it hurt.

When it was over, they remained where they were, a fused heap of limbs, sweaty flesh, and panting lungs. Lindsey pushed herself to a sitting position and shifted off of his lap. "I'm leaking," she said and sat next to him.

"It's all over me," Chad said, then chuckled. His entire lap was wet with their combined fluids. Normally that'd gross him out, but not this time.

"Do you have any napkins?"

Chad gestured to the front of the car. "Glovebox."

Lindsey leaned over and opened the glove box. Her dress rode up her heart-shaped butt, and Chad admired the view.

"It's dripping out," she said and giggled. She sat down and wiped herself, then handed the napkin to him.

After cleaning up, Chad drove Lindsey to her apartment. Any other day, he would have dropped the girl off and gone home, content with his nut, but tonight, he allowed Lindsey to lead him upstairs by the hand. In her bed, Lindsey mounted him, flattened her hands on his naked chest, and rode him slowly. Chad massaged her right breast and sucked her left, the salty tang of her skin coating the back of his throat like ambrosia. They switched positions, him on top, and he alternated, slow and fast. Moonlight suffused her face, and the look of blissful rapture on her features urged him on.

Normally, he would have pulled out at the end, but this wasn't normally, and he gave her every last drop of his essence, filling her body with his love and not caring what may come later.

Normally, he would have made up an excuse and left, but this wasn't normally. He held her in his arms, burrowed his face in her warm hair, and kissed the back of her neck.

Normally...he wouldn't fall into contented sleep with a woman he just had sex with.

But…

This wasn't normally.

And he _did _fall into contented sleep with a woman he just had sex with.

And in his sleep, he smiled.

* * *

Chad leaned against the counter, slipped a cigar from his pocket, and bit the plastic filter between his lips. Langston watched him warily from the corner of his eye as though he were a poisonous snake who'd strike any moment. Chad lit the cigar, took a drag, and stared thoughtfully into the swirling smoke. "Hey," he said soberly, "that girl you like…you think about her a lot?"

Langston studied the older man's face for signs of deceit. Finding none, he nodded. "All the time."

"You wanna be with all the time?"

Langston nodded. "Yeah. I do."

Chad opened his mouth, then took another puff. "Do you love her?"

"I think I do," Langston said.

Chad gazed into the smoke for a moment longer, then sighed. "Yeah...I think I know how you feel."

He was lying. He didn't think he loved Lindsey Sweetwater.

God fucking help him, he _knew _he did.


	6. Leia's Little Cookie

**This will probably be it for the Chad stories. I had another one in mind but I doubt I'll ever get to it. Maybe idk.**

Chad McCann was sitting on the couch and guzzling cheap beer in front of a Green Bay game when someone knocked on the door. He polished off his latest victim, crumpled it in his hand, and tossed it onto the floor with all the others. He belched, got to his feet, and shuffled across the living room.

_Knock-knock-knock._

"I'm coming," he spat. "Have some fucking patience, will you?"

He unlocked the handle and pulled the door open. Three girls in little Girl Scout uniforms stood on the porch, all skirts, berets, and sitcom kiddie cuteness. He recognized the one in the middle. Leia Loud. Blonde, pigtails, bratty little smirk. Chad didn't believe in smacking women around but if one ever needed her shit handled, it was Leia Loud. A brunette stood to her left and a little jigaboo to her right, both looking uncomfortably down at their feet. Leia lifted a judgemental brow and flicked her eyes up and down his body.

"Yes," Chad said, "I'm in my fucking boxers. Is that okay with you?"

She started to reply, then thought better of it. "Good afternoon, sir," she said in a practiced tone, "I'm Leia with the Turtle Scouts and I was wondering if you'd be interested in buying some of our delicious cookies."

Oh, this shit again. Apparently May was when all the little bitches in Royal Woods tried to hawk their crap. Some blonde girl with the Bluebell Scouts was here yesterday trying to sell him magazine subscriptions. _How about Hustler? _he asked, just to be a smart ass.

_Sure, _she piped.

_You even know what a Hustler is? _

She nodded slowly. _My Dad has a bunch in the attic. _

He told her to get lost but had to wonder: Was she trolling him or was she really selling subscriptions to porn magazines? Huh. Guess he'd never know.

"No, I don't like cookies," he said.

He started to shut the door in their faces, but Leia threw her arm out and held it open. "Wait!"

Chad stiffened. He wouldn't punch the little thot, but he'd slam the door on her arm and snap it no problem. If her little faggot daddy didn't like it, he'd snap his arm too.

"Please," Leia said, a desperate inflection in her voice, "I really need to sell one more box. That's all. Just one." She looked at the brunette, and the brunette whipped out a box. "Chocolate Os," Leia said. "They're really good. I swear, you'll love them. Everyone does."

Chad snatched the box out of the brunette's hands and looked it over. Pictures of happy, smiling jerkoffs decorated the front, and writing on the back explained the history of the Turtle Scouts. Chad didn't care but the cookies, chocolate covered and filled with custard, did look pretty good. "How much?" he asked.

"Ten dollars."

He waffled for a moment, then shrugged. "Eh, whatever." He went and fetched a ten from his wallet and handed it to Leia, who tucked it into her skirt with a satisfied little grin. She started to say something, but Chad slammed the door and locked it.

Sitting on the couch, he ripped the box open and took one of the cookies out. He brought it to his nose, sniffed, then took a bite.

Salty-sweet, creamy goodness shot into his mouth and mashmallowy graham cracker crust crunched between his teeth.

"Holy shit," he marveled, "this _is _good."

He sat back, tossed another into his mouth, and swallowed. Before the third quarter was over, he had eaten all of them, and his taste buds cried out for more. He upended the box and shook, just to make sure it was really as empty as it felt, then tossed it aside. Damn. Oh well. He'd get drunk instead.

For the rest of the day he yearned for more cookies like an alcoholic for booze. Every stray thought led back to chocolate euphoria and his mouth remained dry and parched no matter how much beer he drank. His lips too; Jesus, it was as bad as going without a cigarette.

That night, he lay awake in bed, too restless to sleep. He tossed, turned, and trembled like he had Parkinsons or something. At two, he got up, flushed from head to toe, and took a long, hot shower. His hands shook so badly that he dropped the soap and his cracked, dehydrated lips ached for the soothing balm of marshmallowy custard.

Did that little bitch put something in 'em?

He bet she fucking did. Leia Loud was a little fucking snake and he never should have trusted anything from her. He oughta go to her house, snatch her up by her pigtails, and give her the ass whipping her little daddy was too cuck to.

Toward dawn, he broke out a bottle of Captain and drank himself into a stupor. His dreams were thin, wispy, and haunted by dancing Chocolate Os with canes and top hats. When he came awake shortly after noon, dizzy and sick, he pushed himself up into a sitting position and rubbed his flushed forehead.

Fuck this.

He needed more.

Dressing in a ratty pair of jeans soaked with paint, oil, and blood (was this the pair he was wearing when that Monte Carlo ate his hand?) he left the house and walked up the street.

At one time, 1216 Franklin was probably a nice place. Now, it was fucking shithole. The white siding was grimy and broken in places, shingles peeled back from the roof like flecks of dead skin, and trash, toys, and broken condoms littered the front yard. "Is that Chad?" one of the broken condoms whispered to another. He thought her name was Lacy.

"What's _he _doing here?" one asked.

Ignoring them, he went up the warped steps and knocked like a cop with a warrant. After a second, the door opened and a little goff girl with big tiddies appeared. "Hey," Chad said without preamble, "is Leia here?"

The girl hesitated, then called over her shoulder. "Aunt Lola? There's a grown ass man at the door looking for Leia."

"Again?" came the exasperated reply.

The girl smiled nervously at Chad, and he grimaced. Past her, a good sixty people packed into the living room. "Ew, it's Chad the Chode," one of them said.

Chad's chest clutched.

He leaned over to see around Lil Miss Goth. "Who the fuck said that?" He spotted a pudgy boy with long, greasy hair and wearing a Mister Rogers level sweater vest sitting on the couch like a pile of shit. "Was it you, fat boy?"

The boy's face darkened. "Now see here…" he started.

A girl next to him laid her hand on his knee. "Don't, Lester, you need to watch your blood pressure."

"That's right, Jethro," Chad said, "listen to your sister-girlfriend."

Before Lester could reply, Lola took the goth's place and crossed her arms defensively over her chest. A tall, prissy blonde with perky tits, high cheekbones, and an uppity attitude that made Chad want to dick her down a few pegs, she pursed her lips and raised her eyebrows. She looked so much like Leia it was uncanny. "What do you want with my six-year-old daughter?" she demanded.

"I wanna buy some cookies," Chad said, "that's what I want." He slipped a ten out of his pocket and held it up. "Can your six-year-old daughter come to the door, or is she too busy riding her father's dick?"

Lola's face darkened. "She's right here," she said through her teeth.

She stepped aside, and Leia looked up at him with haughty disdain. She cocked her hip and crossed her arms."What?" she spat.

Chad licked his fuzzy teeth. He was really starting to feen again. "Okay, first of all, I don't see why you and your mommy are so stuck up. You live in a goddamn flophouse with peeling paint and your only car is a fifty year old van, gotta ride in shifts when you go somewhere. Second, I want more of those chocolate things you sold me yesterday."

"They're all gone."

Chad's face fell. "What?"

"They're all gone. I have one box left and it's for me."

Her snotty tone grated Chad, and he almost grabbed her by the face. "How much you want for it?"

"It's not for sale."

Chad reached into his pocket and took out his wallet. His hand shook and sweat trickled down the back of his neck. "Here, take forty." He shoved the money in her face, but she turned her head with a snooty little _humph_.

"No. I love Chocolate Os and I'm not selling them." Her eyes, hitherto closed, flew open, and an evil grin carved across her face. "Unless…"

"What?" Chad asked.

"I have an idea," she said.

She rubbed her hands crisply together and cackled like a movie villain, and Chad pulled his lips back over his teeth with a mocking, "Hehehehe."

Hours later, just after dark, he and Leia crouched in a stand of bushes facing a small ranch with stonework around the door and an attached garage. A symphony of crickets serenaded the night and warm wind rustled the trees backed against the house. Leia pushed a tangle of branches aside and stuck her head out. "Stephanie is the head of the Bluebell Scouts," Leia said, "and my archenemy. She sells magazine subscriptions."

"Oh, I know her," Chad said. "Hey, why the fuck does she have sharp teeth?"

"Because she's an evil bitch."

Huh.

Makes sense.

Not.

"I hear she has a shipment of illegal cookies in there," Leia said and nodded to the garage, "she's going to move in on my turf. I can't have that." She glanced at Chad, then back to the house. "My plan is this. You go in, carefully remove all the cookies from the boxes, and load them into the back of a truck. We drive to my house, blackmail my aunt Lisa into cloning them, then we inject the clones with something to make them smelly and gross. We bring them back, put the smelly clones back into the boxes, seal them up, then -"

She glanced at the spot next to her.

Chad was gone.

"Chad?"

Where was he?

She stuck her head out of the bush and looked around. "Chad?" she hissed. "Where are you?"

"Done," he said, and she started.

She looked up just as he tossed a red plastic gas can on the ground. The smell of gasoline clogged the air. She furrowed her brow. "What did you…?"

Smoke poured out from the seams around the garage door, and faint, flickering orange bathed the windows. She gaped and jumped to her feet. "Oh my God, Chad!"

"Can I have my cookies now?"

Leia pressed her hands to the sides of her head in a gesture bepeaking madness. "I didn't tell you to set her house on fire!"

"Can I have my cookies now?" Chad asked again.

The front door opened, and Stephanine and her family staggered out, coughing and waving their hands in front of their faces. Thick smoke poured out behind them and sirens rose in the distance.

Leia cried out when Chad's hand closed hard around her arm. "My cookies?"

Sighing, Leia pulled away. "Fine," she said, "I guess you earned them." She turned and watched as the flames engulfed Stephaine's home and all of her worldly possessions. When she spotted her nemesis sobbing into her hands, she giggled. "Okay, you _really _earned them." She pulled a box out of her skirt pocket and handed it over.

"Sweet," Chad said. He grabbed it, tucked it under his arm, and ripped it open with his one good hand. He tossed one into his mouth, bit down, and moaned in the back of his throat. "These things are fucking awesome. What's in them?"

Leia plucked one out of the sleeve and sank her teeth into it. "My dad's cum."

Chad stopped chewing. "What?"

"I don't call them Os for nothing."

That night, traumatized, Chad curled up in his bathtub with the shower on, hugged himself, and cried like a bitch.

THE END.


End file.
